men are boring and so are their jobs.
I think it’s really cute when men take their jobs seriously, so as a good deed, I’ve decided to write about the guys I hooked up with last week, and a breakdown of their 9 to 5s. They’re going to hate it, which is my favorite reaction :)
Finance: Boring AF. Have really intense skincare routines that terrify me, and take sleeping very seriously (because #routine). They’ll pay for your Ubers uptown and take you to the Hamptons, but just be warned that this will be the most mundane Hamptons trip of your life, and that after a while it gets kind of difficult to bear the burden of constantly having to supply enough personality for two people. To their credit, they do have nice apartments and will suck up to all hot girls with a thigh gap, because their minds are fascinatingly one dimensional for people who claim to have such hard jobs. Tips: they like when you wear expensive clothing, talk about rich people things, act very classy and uptight in public (because they all have madonna-whore complexes), have rich parents, pretend it's interesting when they talk about Equinox, have only hot friends, and pretend that you’re sexually attracted to them and not just there for the free drinks. Supes easy to manipulate if you stick to these basic rules.
Lawyers: Not the worst. They argue for a living, so it's nice to talk to people who aren’t afraid of me just because I threw a casual tantrum. And who doesn’t love a healthy debate? You’ll have to weed through a lot of trash, because usually they’re either really socially awkward, or going through some major lost in life phase, because being a lawyer is hard and boring and they don’t make as much money as anyone in finance, so it’s like, why.
Startup Founders: These guys are so fun. But psycho. But fun. They’ll talk shit about your ex’s new gf with you, and stay out until 4 am on a weeknight, but do NOT forget that this person is crazy, and is literally a glorified scam artist for a living. It’s an interesting sociology lesson until they murder your pet Pomeranian.
Doctors: Ugh, I’d steer clear honestly. They can’t text when they’re at work because they actually have a job that’s like, moral. And I refuse to sit around and stare at my phone just because it's apparently rude to interrupt a surgery. All of that is dumb.
Artists: Literally just no. One night stands only because the sex isn’t boring (duh, because they’re insane). Then block their number, or they’ll just end up repetitively texting you with pathetic offers to do things such as hang up your curtains, because that is the biggest value add they can bring to your life. Thanks but no thanks.
Students: I included this on the list as a joke. Obviously this should never be a situation.
Not really sure how I made it through writing this without falling asleep. Now heading immediately to take an adderall and a grey goose shot as a reward.
* This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.