a millenial's west side story

Hi all. Due to a few unpleasant experiences that have happened in the past few weeks, I've decided that it's time to divvy up this town, just so that no one I hate gets confused about their place in it.

Basically, I've been forced to draw official lines in the sand.

My friends and I have claimed the LES, the East Village, and Brooklyn. And, I guess Nolita and Soho, you know, for good measure. Everywhere else in this city is a less desirable area, where some irrelevant enemies can feel free to run rogue. And to everyone else, here is a guide to a few of the things that you may run into if you enter enemy territory:

  • Tribeca: Too many babies.
  • West Village: It's fine, but like, too many fashion bloggers. And lawyers whose parents still help pay their rent.
  • Murray Hill: Frat tanks. And things that remind me of New Jersey.
  • Upper East Side: Strippers and divorce.
  • Upper West Side: Mediocrity.
  • Midtown: Entirely self explanatory (banks, zara, idk). 
  • Meatpacking: Cocaine and sugar babies.
  • Hell's Kitchen: Sports bars and parking lots.

So, please consider this as a subtle warning to all of the rotten apples in Manhattan: do. not. wander. south. of. 14th. street. You're not invited. 

Thank you!

* This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.