And here's a ranking of the participants of season 9. Impartial, but hopefully accurate. Sorry if you disagree, but you're probably wrong in that case. No offense.
I don’t think I should even have to list the reasons why here. But, if trying to slut shame Bethenny wasn’t bad enough, we also had to act as though we didn’t understand why she was mad at you for the. entire. season. And then, we had to pretend that it was some sort of revelation on how to deal with Bethenny specifically? Like ok, “I learned that with Bethenny, don’t bring up her daughter or her business.” Ummmmm... that’s EVERY. SINGLE. HUMAN. Don’t shit on their children or their livelihood… why is this new information? You’re 60! Even I know this! And I’m a drunk 25 year old! And why do you keep pretending that you and Tom dated when you didn’t even bang? Sorry, but it’s not relevant. You did look sexy af all season though, and seemed to self reflect during the reunion, so let’s try and stay on that trajectory…
Ugh, sorry Lu. I really used to love you, but you voted for Donald Trump, married Tom, and ignored all of your girlfriends’ advice. Love the Countess thing, love when you were drunk in Mexico (honestly, that was perfect, and I wish all of my blackouts were that amazing), and love that you force your exes to be friends with you, but the T word just dominated too much of this season, when like, you knew you were wrong all along. Like, deep down. Don’t lie. You're a smart girl.
Heart how you were a girl’s girl this season. You were chill with everyone, always looked hot, played with a few men’s hearts, etc, etc. However, points were lost for being friends with Ramona, participating in the psychotic “let’s be brats about the bedroom” game, and being mean to Tinsley. But loved when you made that joke to Lu about banging Tom (like, it’s funny! We’re all friends here!). And when you were topless in Mexico. Just don’t be a bitch to the new girl in town, and all will be well for going forward.
Honestly, love. Points are honestly only docked here because I don’t have much to go off of, so I can’t be ride or die after only one season, you know? Love that you stood behind not cutting your hair – like, don’t let anyone tell you to be less hot. Ever. Love that you love Titos. Love that you were classy and apologetic when Sonja was being a bitch. Didn’t love that you hooked up with a 23 year old, but I’m withholding my judgment because I feel like that could maybe be a fun one time thing? You’re cute and perfect, just like, go out and vote next time, please (because no shows are how Trump ends up in office, which isn’t cute).
Also love. Points docked for dating John, but also points gained for standing behind your man and making it work despite all the haters. Like, it's your relationship girlfriend. Also...
“I use alcohol as an excuse all the time!” This was gold. Waving your flag.
I love you. I saw you training for the NYC marathon about a month ago when I was walking to work, and I was obviously too much of a loser to say hi, but like, you looked perfect and I honestly aspire to be you one day. Tbh this section is going to be boring because I don’t really have anything bad to say about Carole. Sorry! Oops!
Bethenny always wins. And I like being on the team of the winner. You’re always right, you always look flawless, you’re tougher than anyone, and somehow always manage to be a good person while also delivering hilariously cutting commentary throughout. Please never change.