alcoholic day: rules & regulations

Good morning everyone, and happy hangovers. In the spirit of a few inconveniences that I unfortunately had to suffer yesterday, we are going to need to discuss a little tragedy that I suppose most of the Christian world calls St. Patrick’s day.

I’m going to need to be blunt here: this is the only day of the year that is worse than Santacon. And since I unfortunately can’t have it legally forbidden, I’ve made some guidelines to steer its confused participants in the right direction.

Basically, if you do extract joy from dressing like a leprechaun and blacking out with some 21 year olds, please adhere to the laws below. As a bare minimum for the safety of humankind. 

Mandatory St. Patrick’s Day Regulations

  1. Please do not scream derogatory things to women on the streets. No one wants to have sex with you, and you look like a predatory loser.
  2. Stay. North. Of. 14th. Street.
  3. Stop pretending that the celebration is for anything other than alcoholism. And I guess visually displeasing attire.
  4. Maybe just… take it to Boston, and leave it in Boston. I hear it’s more fun there!

Love you, mean it!