...because everyone else is an idiot.

Dear Nikki,

I started hooking up with this girl about a week ago, and she's basically already moved in. She asked to be exclusive (I said it was too soon), she calls my bed our bed, and last night she yelled at me for liking some other girl's Instagram post. It's kind of freaking me out.

I've been having a good time with her besides that part - she's been cooking for me every night and the sex part is fun, but I don't think I'm into it enough to deal with how obsessive she's been. Do I break up with her or is there a way to make the crazy part stop?

The One Week Itch


Hey Fuckboy/The One Week Itch,

No offense, but this girl is a lunatic and I'm kind of judging your taste right now, but I'm also scared that she's going to murder you so I guess I'll help.

First of all, as a side note that I need to discuss, the most concerning part about this situation is the fact that she is cooking for you this early in the game. Cooking is for marriage. Any time before that is thirsty and desperate and just straight up mentally unstable.

When you're one week into the dating timeline, you should be the one taking her out to dinner, buying her things, and agreeing with everything she says. Any girl who isn't aware of that has an entire encyclopedia of self esteem issues that will resurface in a big way when she starts posting kissing selfies of the two of you with the caption #baes. Then eventually she'll tell you that you're no longer allowed to talk to your female family members, have any friends besides her, and you'll be spending your Monday evenings watching The Bachelor and talking about her menstrual cycle. You do not want this for yourself.

Anyway, all that being said, if you try and formally break up with her then she's going to freak the fuck out, send you 322,982 emotional text messages, maybe light something in your home on fire. If you're lucky she might just cry and refuse to leave for a few hours.

The only thing you can really do at this point is to pull a little move that I like to call: The Waning Ghost.

It's kind of like a slow fade - basically, just be super busy and flaky and *~*distant*~* in a progressively increasing way, until she gets fed up enough to either a) leave you alone or b) break up with you/give you an ultimatum as a way to try and force you to change your behavior (this will be a fail on her end. Oh well! Not your problem!).

Since you've already told her that you're not exclusive, I'd also recommend using Tinder in front of her as openly as possible. Girls don't love this.

That's really your only option that comes close to protecting your physical well being from this desperado. But maybe make sure you have her therapist's number on hand too. You know, just in case.