baby's first stalker.

So, I went on a date the other night, with a friend of a friend, who had claimed to know nothing about who I was, or my aggro sex website, etc etc. Which, obviously, I explained in full on the date, because I like to be upfront with people, and I believe that this is a common human decency that is owed to everyone.

Then, during the dinner, he began making specific references to things that I had written, outfits that I had worn during certain Instagram stories, and accidentally revealed knowing personal details about me that could only be uncovered through intense stalking behavior. Which is an odd coincidence from someone who claims to have not known who I am.

By the end of my sea scallops, roasted bone marrow, and Sauvignon Blanc (Le Bernardin is the best), he kept repetitively asking me if I would write about him (which was confusing to me, because like, if you’ve read anything I’ve ever written, you don’t want me to write about you… it’s not a compliment. It’s out of horror. Or fear. Or a fine mingling of the two.)

I thanked him for the evening, split the check (which I think that everyone knows is a clear sign I send to leave me alone for forever), and then ran off to my apartment where I guess I would apparently have to masturbate before going to bed, because this person scared me too much for me to let them see my v.

Then, my friend who knows this person, has apparently received knowledge that this man has some weird sort of sex bet with his friends about me. Which, just as an FYI, is not something that I tolerate. Because feminism.

The next day, I then begin receiving threatening text messages.

Like, things about what they’re going to make me do to them, some choice words that I’d rather not repeat because they’re gross, and a few other creepy threats that were littered with typos.

Anyway, as repulsive and traumatic as this situation was, I decided to be an adult about it, and just had one of my lawyers email him the below.

This letter is to inform you that your persistent actions of intimidating outreach have become intolerable, and that you’re being formally ordered to cease and desist all forms of contact with my client.

If you are ever to contact my client again, or to continue in any way involve yourself in her life in a way that is legally defined as harassment or duress, further litigation will be necessary to ensure her safety.

These actions include, but are not limited to:

  1. Threats or statements that are threatening to her well being (via email, text message, phone, or in person)
  2. Threats or statements that threaten the well being of others in her life
  3. Enlisting a third party to deliver any threats or statements that encompass the two clauses above

As stated above, if these clauses are not explicitly adhered to, then further legal action will be required to protect the safety of my client.

This was obviously only an informal cease and desist letter. I’d rather not have to get involved in any further legal action. It’s just like, so annoying, you know?

Have a wonderful day, psychos,

*Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.