hallmark day & presents that don't suck

Hallmark day is rapidly approaching, and so before I get a million Valentine’s Day plans requests that I will all have to decline, I need to make sure my opinion on a VERY controversial topic is known. And that topic is flowers.

I'm not into them. Do you know how much it costs to send a not hideous bouquet of flowers for same day shipping in Manhattan? Upwards of 100 dollars. Honestly, I’d find a venmo payment to be more romantic. Or donate it to charity. Or just light the cash on fire. It’d basically be the same thing.

If I wanted flowers, I would get them myself for $5 in Chinatown. Not waste months of my own energy on tolerating a mean boyfriend, just so I can watch some overpriced lilies die for a week.

Sidenote here: mean boyfriends are a dime a dozen. You can always find another one, trust me. So if your current one is annoying you at all, ladies, please just cut your fucking losses.

Anyway, back to the critical issue on the forefront of today’s horizon.

Things you can buy for $100 that are more arousing than dead plants:

  1. A lot of sauvignon blanc/tequila.
  2. Three SoulCycle classes.
  3. An Airbnb in Tulum. Probably a “rustic” one. This is a word poor people like to use when they’re trying to make the most out of a situation.
  4. A shirt on the sale rack at Barneys. If you look really hard.
  5. Dinner at Nobu. The downtown one, not the midtown one, obviously. I’m allergic to midtown.
  6. Bitcoins. Idk. This is apparently a hot topic, so why not.
  7. Three Kylie Lip Kits. Candy K, Posie K, and High Maintenance, please. In matte.
  8. A drone. Another thing people seem to be into recently.
  9. Three months of an HBO GO subscription. And Game of Thrones is the only form of film that is superior to porn.

Thanks for understanding.