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Last night. Let me set the scene. Flower shop. 7 pm. Taking tequila shots and selfies at the bar. Shameless self promotion.

“Your boobs look amazing,” said the bartender, who I’m pretty sure despises me.

“Thanks! They’re new.” I responded succinctly. What? They were!

Anyway, back to the plot of my evening. I got too drunk by about 8:30 pm, so I may have forgotten the most amusing parts of it, but I remember the pivotal points, which obviously involved married men. Their names were Ian and J.D.

Ok, so Ian wasn’t technically married. We think. Maybe divorced. We’re not really sure.

They were staring at me and my friend for like, a fucking decade, which was fine, but like, at least come over and make a move.

We took the staring as an invitation to go harass them, which I’m not sure that they were into, but honestly I don’t really care. Like, I was bored.

We found out that J.D. was married, and that Ian was debatably not, and that neither of them were obsessed with me enough to entice me into staying for the entire conversation. So, I left my friend with them, and ditched to go find a younger man who would follow me around and hang on my every word.

Apparently Ian kissed my friend after that.

Anyway, this morning, we found them on LinkedIn in under ~four minutes, with only their first names and the knowledge that they worked in architecture. And this is why my boyfriends should be scared of me. I’ve legitimately made a career out of being underestimated.

Hi Ian. You’re hotter with a beard. And don’t grab women’s asses outside of bars, unless you’ve been invited to do so. It isn’t sexy. Thanks!

P.S. Please email me back!