meeting strangers on the internet:
an investigation of which dating apps suck slightly less than others

Hinge.

I’m over hinge tbh. I guess it’s decent that they allow you to write little quips about yourself, so the matches can at least somewhat be based on personality, but even with this caveat, the only men it ever manages to give me are called like, Chip/Trey/Tripp from nonsense colleges like Bucknell/Cornell/Villanova. What about me screams that this is the type of person that I would be into? Do I seem like someone whose dream is to be in a painfully monotonous relationship with a basic fratboy who still attends his college’s homecoming weekend in the attempt to get laid? Please do not swipe right on me, Chip. I promise that I will ruin your life.

Jswipe.

Love it. I have been resolved to eventually become Jewish for quite a while now, which I initially announced to my family during our car ride to church on Easter 2014. So Jswipe is a safe space for these future hopes and dreams. Sorry if this proclamation is accidentally offensive, but like, I just really need more holidays in my life that are dedicated to drinking and not working. I don’t see why that should be an issue.

Christian Mingle.

So apparently you have to pay for Christian mingle, which I think is a sick joke. I sarcastically made a profile out of boredom once, and put this amazing quote from the New Testament in my bio: “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” It was going to be a brief social experiment, and then they asked me for money so I peaced the f out very quickly. Like, I’m not going to pay for the opportunity to go on a date with a Catholic firefighter…

The League.

This one fluctuates. Sometimes it’s decent, sometimes it ignores my preferences. I think it’s kind of pathetic that some people actually spend money to participate, considering it gives you like 3 matches a day, 98% of which are inevitably huge tools. I’ve met a few BDSM people who have told me they don’t believe in monogamy here though, so like, if that’s what you’re into, enjoy!

Bumble.

I. Just. Cannot. The last time I tried to be open minded to bumble, the first four matches it offered me were: a guy I was currently hooking up with, a guy from my high school who one of my friends has banged, another man that a different friend used to date, and a man named Otis who… disturbed me.

I also do not have it in me to message a man first on a dating app. Like, they can come to me. I have other things to exert energy on that don’t involve sending olive branches to strange men on the internet. Fuck bumble.

Tinder.

All trolls. But, can be good for sexual experimentation purposes when you’re in a weird mood. For example, every few months I convince myself for a few hours that I either want to have a threesome with a couple, or a lesbian affair, and I turn straight to Tinder in the attempt to pursue these short-lived desires. Then I realize that I only enjoy the idea of this in theory, and delete the app again. It’s a recurring cycle.

Anyway, feel free to DM me for a list of names of men to avoid across all applications.

XOXO,
Nikki <3