Men who own handcuffs were losers in high school.

All guys over thirty are into BDSM. Which is totally chill with me, because I am too, but it's just turning into such a predictable pattern that I feel like I need to warn people. 

Basically, here's how to spot all of the closet psychos, because 50 shades of grey is more boring than my sorority sisters, so:

Very, very organized. These guys are exacting AF. Don't ask me why. But I have never seen a set of handcuffs and matching whip lying on the floor of a messy room. They're always stored in these pristine cases, in someone's spotless closet, next to their Hermes ties and Rolex collection. 

Introverted. I feel like this one doesn't need an explanation. All silent stewers have weird, creepy demons boiling inside of them. Everyone knows this. Duh. Moving on.

You can tell they were weird in high school. This one is critical. Anyone who wants to constantly indulge in a Patrick Bateman inspired fantasy is being subconsciously driven by a need to affirm their manhood. These men have lived a life of being constantly rejected by girls, until a time in the very recent past where they made tiny bit of money, to the point that a few women started to notice that they exist. So now, obvi they hate them and need to validate to themselves that they're superior and powerful and whatever else bullshit goes along with that. It's, like, psych 101.

Lives on the Upper East or Upper West side. This is correlation not causation (duh), but helpful to use as a marker if you don't want to have to waste your time having to learn about their personality. 

All that being said, the most important takeaway here is that they better fucking be buying you things if they assume this is going to be some sort of routine situation. This is non-negotiable. And the three vodka sodas that you're only drinking so you can tolerate their presence do not count.


Twitter: @3amNikki

* This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.