“most eligible bachelor” lists

Run the other way. Get a post-it note of a red flag to hold their spot in a magazine. This is a trick question. A riddle. A play on words. Do not take the title of these lists for face value.  

 I’ve been trying to stay away from personal anecdotes recently, because everyone is so damn sensitive, but today, I’ve decided to fight for what’s right and share my story.  [Quick tangent pre-body paragraph: if you are one of the men who I have made the mistake of dating, please do not text me and ask me if you are in one of these posts. If you need to ask… that says enough.]

personal anecdotes of real live specimens from said list:

  • mean restaurant managers

  • “influencers”

One of them did let me saber the top off a bottle of champagne on our first date, but like… sabers are dangerous. And then he didn’t want to have sex because he wanted “to wait.” Which sounds nice in theory, but then he wouldn’t let me watch big little lies and all benefit of the doubt was no longer in play. He also had the “eligible bachelor” article as his cover photo on facebook, but that is neither here nor there.

Another one I know is drunk all of the time managing a restaurant, which I suppose is fairly harmless. 

And another took me to a golf course on our first date, and then would not stop talking about poodles. Which is what one might refer to as irreconcilable differences.

And finally, I had to put my foot down when one invited me to a sex party without telling me it was a sex party, and another invited me to have a foursome. Like, every other day. For a month. 

I could go on, but I just got bored of talking about these people. But, at least it’s heartwarming to know that the columnists of these lists are able to see the good in them. <3