New Year’s Resolutions 2K18

Ok, so I get that this is super late, but whatever. I’m late for everything. I love being late. Being on time is so desperate.

Anyway, I’ve made a super self involved list that revolves around *~*self betterment*~*

I think some people call them new year’s resolutions. At least, that’s what I’ve seen on instagram.

  1. Join equinox. I’m a size 00 already, so this isn’t for revenge body purposes. It’s to meet men.  And to become more flexible.
  2. Try being vegan whenever the mood hits me. This one I’ve already done for like, a day. And I feel really bad for anyone who must do this to maintain a thigh gap. It sucks. I’ve been eating a lot of sugar to get through it. Like, an icing-out-of-the-jar situation.
  3. Get vontouring (link here). Like, how fun?! Who doesn’t want to have a prettier flower?
  4. Something charity, I guess. You know, to make me feel good about myself.
  5. Murder everyone who has ever shushed someone on the quiet car of metro north. Like, get OVER yourselves. If you shush me, I promise that will talk louder and louder until I am literally physically removed from the train car. So good luck with that. It’ll be pretty fucking unpleasant for everyone involved.
  6. Forgive Kylie Jenner for not sharing her pregnancy with me. I may need to get a second therapist to effectively work through this one. I just feel like… I’ve been there for this girl since the mid 2000s. Before her lip fillers, before her technically illegal underage relationship with Tyga, before the blue hair, and even before Kourtney and Khloe went to Miami, and Mason was conceived. Back when Kylie was just your typical 8 year old from Calabasas, who liked to hangout on her family’s stripper pole, and run around while her parents discussed her sister’s playboy shoot… I was there. So you can see why I feel a bit slighted.
  7. Annoy the flower boys less. Sorry T. Thanks for the tequila shots, though. Xoxo.
  8. Unfollow more people from my high school on instagram. Like, I’ve already spent enough time looking at you people pre-2010. And you were skinnier then. Now I’m failing to see the value add.
  9. Get more facials. You know. I prefer them to massages.