please try harder.

Hi stalkers. I keep getting asked questions about my ideal first date/man/roleplay scenario, so I’m attempting to pacify these requests out of the kindness of my heart.

The thing is, it’s typically quite difficult for me to contrive a list of topics/activities that can hold my interest. However, the good news is that it is incredibly easy for me to pull together a short list of items that definitely do not. So this is the best I can do. Please see below.

Offensive first date activities/discussion topics:

Soho House. I just feel like everyone there is… desperate. Not that I don’t love the inane chatter of a few fake models discussing boob jobs and Chanel, but that’s what trips to Miami are for.

Cars. I don’t fucking get this. They depreciate in value the second you purchase them, and the no drinking while driving thing is where you fully lose me. Hit me with the white Lexus. Tell me more about what it’s like to grow up in New Jersey. Porsche. Lambo. Bentley. Maserati. I can’t tell the difference between any of them, but I am now concerned about your transparent need to assert your manhood.

Veuve. I honestly stand behind the fact that Dom Pérignon tastes the same as André, and Grey Goose tastes the same as Svedka. It’s all on the same scale from gross to mediocre, and it’s all appropriate to drink out of a solo cup.

The Hamptons. They can be fun, I get it. I too have watched many a friend find love in a hopeless place (ie. Sloppy Tuna), and been tricked into thinking the line to get into Social Club is worth waiting on. But, the no cell service thing gets me. So does the plethora of 21 year olds on cocaine. And while the live action preview of the Revolve summer collection isn’t something I’m fully against viewing, I can also do that on the internet, in the privacy of my own apartment. I don’t need to trek to Montauk to see it. 

Private jets. Flying gives me enough anxiety as is, and I hear that these planes are more prone to crashing. So I’ll take a pass, and stay in first class with the common people.

Basically, please do less. It’s hotter when I at least have to work to tell how hard you’re trying.