the thinly veiled ulterior motives of dating app psychos

I have a lot of friends who are new to New York City, and, as such, have fallen victim to many mean dating app men in their attempts to find love. I try my best to advise them without being lecturey, but after you watch your adorably innocent friends fall for the same nonsense that you already have ten times over, it’s time to take a bit more drastic of a stand.

Anyway, I decided it would be best to make a concise list of direct translations for all other women who weren’t born in this city, and so, by default, haven’t been perpetually jaded since they were 15 years old.

Guys who have more instagram followers than you do. 

This is just... weird. Do you want to date a guy who has Russian instahoes sliding into his DMs on the reg? I personally don't, but I suppose to each their own. Some other girls out there may be more secure than me, I guess, but this just makes me cross my legs. Tightly.

Guys who say they're "not big on messaging," but want to meet immediately for a drink.

This means: I don't care about getting to know you, or what your comfort level with strangers is, but I am very interested in trying to have sex with you immediately, and then never speaking to you again.

Guys who say they're looking for "a nice girl."

This means: I want a pushover who I can walk all over, doesn’t have opinions, will agree with everything I say, cook for me, let me cheat on her, and will submit to me as if I am the Lord. But, in exchange, I will let her post humiliating kissing pictures of us on social media. If that sounds like a fair tradeoff to you… be my guest.

Guys who want girls with "adventurous tastes."

This means BDSM. You heard here first. If you don't want to believe me, please feel free to go ahead and discover firsthand. But I have many references available for citation. And please don’t get me wrong here, it’s not that I’m not open-minded in this realm. I just know from experience that if you want to tie me up the first time we have sex, then you will never be sexually satisfied, and I have zero interest in aligning myself to a failing mission.

Guys who make any sort of free first date proposition, ie: coffee, a walk, etc.

This means: I’m not sure if I’m interested in taking you on a real date, so let me vet that I think you’re pretty enough first, in a setting where I don’t have to spend any money. Just FYI: I’m pretty enough. Are YOU pretty enough, Steve from Bumble?

Guys who lead with how beautiful you are, and like to repetitively follow up with this thinly veiled ulterior motive wrapped in a compliment.

This means: They have a girlfriend. Or they’re 18 years old.

Guys who ask for a selfie before you meet.

This means: Just block him. I can’t even waste my energy explaining why.